Beginning to Heal from Controlling Relationships
Control (noun): The power to influence or direct people's behavior or the course of events.
“Evil seeks to maintain power by suppressing the truth.” Spock from Star Trek
Have you ever been afraid to say “no” to someone? What about smiling at someone you are afraid of? Do you go against your own wishes and desires to give other people what they want? Have you done things for other people knowing that it is going to harm to you? Do you make plans with people and cancel at the last minute when you realize that you never wanted to go? Have you ever been unsure of what you wanted and bent over backwards to meet somebody else’s needs? Have you walked on eggshells in your own household? Have you let your partner or family dictate your life decisions or determine what job or partner is best for you rather than listening to yourself? Are you frozen or numb and can’t get in touch with what you want so listening to others feels like a safer option than trusting yourself?
No one can make these decisions for you better than yourself. No one can fully determine what is best for you. Controlling or abusive people have the illusion that they know better than you, but they really don’t. It is impossible for anyone to know what is 100% best for you. People pleasing or fawning is a fear-based response and it often has it’s roots in relational trauma where our needs, wants, and desires were not met by primary caregivers. We were taught that we were a burden, our needs were not important or we were too much. We abandon ourselves and let other people take the wheel, but that is never going to be what is best for us.
Compromise is a normal and healthy part of equal relationships, and it is a choice we make to get along with others. But control represents an inequality where one person is lifted above another person and the dominant person makes choices but the submissive one needs to fall in line or follow the other person’s lead. The most extreme version of control is abuse where one person is a subject and only their desires matter or exist and the other person is an object to be used as the abuser choses. Whether your abuse is physical, verbal, sexual, or emotional, it is an assault of the mind. The people who control or abuse hold the power and you don’t exist as a separate person but as an extension of the abuser. Over time, your nervous system becomes tuned in to the abuser, and you walk on eggshells trying to please and not to anger the abuser.
People who control others want to hide what they are doing. When confronted, they will deny it because they want to continue to be in power. Instead of apologizing for harming the other person, they may lie, gaslight, and manipulate to cover up the control and abuse. People who are in controlling or abusive relationships often are afraid to confront the person in power and so either they become a victim or they ally with the person who is stronger. In a family, the mother may be the controlling one and the father may protect or enable her power, not being strong enough to break away or protect himself or his own children.
When we want to stop being in or start to heal from controlling relationships, it is generally complicated, but here are some small steps to consider:
1) Journal: Start to have a voice of your own even if at first it is only in writing and private. Having your own mind a great way to start connecting to yourself and forming an inner dialogue with yourself away from the controlling person. It is becoming a subject in your own world rather than an object of control or abuse.
2) Make One Decision for Yourself a Day: Even though it is hard, make one small decision that is in line with what you want, what your body wants, or what feels good to you. Do not do what is “healthy” or “good”, but more what you want in that moment, which could be totally different in the next moment.
3) Saying No: Say no to somebody. We all feel tired, sick, or out of sorts sometimes and when we recognize those states, and say no to others, we start to chose ourself rather than abandoning ourselves for other people. Setting boundaries with other people is a vital part of having healthy relationships with ourselves and with other people.
4) Recognizing Patterns in Our Relationships: Start to pay attention to power and control issues in relationships. Is someone furious with you for not hanging out? How do you feel in your body when you are with certain people – nervous, frustrated, down, powerless, etc.? Does the person ever apologize for their mistakes? Do they seem superior and put you down? Do you feel worse about yourself after hanging out with them?
5) Seeking Professional Help: If you are really struggling to assert yourself and speak up in your relationships or you find that you are stuck in certain destructive, harmful relationship patterns, maybe it is time to seek the professional help of a therapist.
