Understanding and Fighting the Shame about Childhood Sexual Abuse
“Incest is not a taboo; talking about incest is a taboo.''
By Ellen Bass and Laura Davis in ''The Courage to Heal: A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse''
Shame is about secrecy and hiding. It is part of what keeps survivors trapped in their own feelings and embarrassed to reach out for help, support, and healing throughout their lifetime. I see shame like a wall that is created between yourself and the rest of the world. It shows up with self-blaming thoughts like “I am disgusting”, “Something is wrong with me”, or “I must have done something to cause this” and gets entrenched in the body. Shame is an all-body experience. It usually shows up on your skin. It is fear about how other people may judge and see you for being abused. ALL healthy people will respond with compassion for an adult that went through childhood sexual abuse. Only abusers blame the child/adult. Shame blocks healing and processing of trauma especially childhood sexual trauma. When I am working with adult survivors in EMDR treatment, shame is usually one of the first blocks to being able to process the trauma. I want to share some of my personal observations about shame and survivors in order to help other survivors.
Shame is extremely different than guilt which is more about feeling bad about something that you have done to someone else. Shame is more internal about who you are and how you feel about yourself. Over time, shame can become comfortable like a scratchy woolen blanket and acts as a protective layer from being hurt again. People grow attached to their shame, but shame is dangerous because it keeps you cut off from others long after the abuse has ended and can keep you from being unable to really trust or be in intimate relationships as an adult. Shame keeps you in the alone zone. Shame may keep you from remembering. Shame may keep you from healing. Shame keeps your hurt and pain walled off and secret from others and even yourself. So, shame can begin as a child and if you don’t work on healing it can become calcified, familiar, and hard to even know it’s there because it grows into and becomes part of who you are. Many patients come to me believing that they will always feel this way, that they will never be able to heal their childhood sexual trauma, and that they will never be able to have intimate relationships. None of these statements are true and working on the shame is usually one of the first steps in the healing process and it begins the moment a survivor reaches out for help and chooses to speak to anyone. NO survivor can heal alone and even though help may not have been available to you as a child, there is a whole world of help for adult survivors.
Shame in childhood from being sexually abused can make you feel like you are the only one in the world suffering even though as adults we know according to RAINN (Rape, Abuse, Incest National Network) 1 in 9 girls and 1 in 53 boys under the age of 18 experience sexual abuse or assault at the hands of an adult. Shame can make you never tell your story to anyone. Shame keeps you small, silent, and alone. Shame is a perfect weapon wielded by perpetrators to keep you weak in order to continue abusing you. Shame makes you cower. Shame makes you afraid to speak. Shame makes you feel disgusting and like the abuse is your fault even though in fact you are holding the perpetrator’s shame. How do victims feel shame when it is really the perpetrator who should feel shame for sexually abusing a child? The perpetrator is the one who sexually abused a child, who stole a child’s innocence, who abused a child’s natural trust and searching for love from adults, and who committed a criminal act against someone smaller, more vulnerable, and who trusted them. The child is innocent. The abuser is only person to blame. Yet 100% of the adults I have worked with on some level blamed themselves and felt shame for being abused. This is a major part of the healing process to set the record straight and place the blame and shame where it belongs squarely back on the shoulders of the abuser.
Telling your story is a great way to begin to drop the shame. You can start by telling a close friend or partner or trusted professional or group of survivors and branch out from there to your close friends, supportive family members, and then if you choose, then to speak out publicly. The victim gains freedom and begins to drop the burden of shame by speaking and telling their story. But I caution you to first work through your own feelings of shame with people you really trust before telling people who may not be sympathetic. You and your healing should be front and center and you need to protect yourself during this process. Also, you never have to go public with your story to find healing for yourself. I find talking and telling trusted people really helps with dropping the shame and decreasing the isolation that many survivors feel. That shame was never yours and getting help and support from others is a vital step for healing!
Here is a writing group for survivors that I highly recommend:
Time to Tell:
https://www.timetotell.org/online-writers-circles
