Signs You’re in an Abusive Relationship - From an EMDR Therapist
I work mainly with trauma survivors. I have had the incredible opportunity to counsel mainly victims of trauma but also some abusers as well. I try to meet each patient with love and compassion. Most of the trauma victims I have worked with had both abusive relationships in childhood and now again adulthood, so I wanted to share with you my notes and observations in hopes that it may help you become aware of the more subtle psychological signs of abuse in adult relationships.
Abusers usually flip reality to favor themselves and make you look bad. They cannot accept ANY responsibility for their actions, so they will blame everyone else especially the people closest to them for anything that goes wrong. Abusers will NEVER own their abusive behavior. You will be attacked and gaslighted if you are calling out their bad behavior (lying, cheating, etc.) or they feel criticized in any way. I once had a patient who was cheating on her boyfriend, but accused her boyfriend of cheating on her. She acted like a victim of cheating rather admitting to the cheating. You can think of abusive person’s accusations as confessions and then you start to learn what is really going on in the relationship.
Abusers will hide behind being an identity of being good like “good mom”, “good dad”, “good guy”, or a “nice girl”. Self-identifying as “good” or “nice” can be a coverup for bad behavior. You need to watch their actions and not their words and promises. They may promise to be there for you forever and sound like a “nice guy”, but do they blow you off, cancel plans, ghost you, or not respond to your communication? Then, they are not acting like a “nice guy”. By the way, both men and women of all cultures, classes, races, and nationalities can be abusers – you need to pay close attention to the way you feel about their behavior – are you nervous, uncomfortable, unsafe, feeling anxious, depressed, or scared? If your nervous system and body feel activated or in distress, then there is something wrong going on in the relationship that needs to be addressed and listened to.
Trauma survivors often fall in love with a part of the abuser. Most people stay clear of toxic people, but trauma survivors often want to rescue them, care for them, or help them heal. I had a patient who dated someone who was addicted to heroin because she wanted to help him get sober and she could see that he was a good person underneath. He did not want to change his habits, so eventually she had to break up with him. Usually, a younger version of the trauma survivor wishes they had rescued the adult who abused them and they may be stuck in a rescuer or caregiver role in adult relationships.
Abusers will play the victim and accuse the victims of abusing them. They will act like a victim to gain sympathy from others and to distract others from their own actions. Again, instead of taking responsibility for their actions, they will accuse the victim of being a victimizer. They will act like the victim has harmed them rather than take responsibility for the harm. This is a classic abuser tactic.
Abusers are grandiose and will act superior to their victims. They will condescend, look down upon, feel superior, feel smug, and act as though they know more than the victim even if the victim is an authority. They need to be in absolute control. These kinds of relationships are not about connection, mutuality, and love, rather it is all about power and control. If you feel as though you are walking on eggshells or you are constantly criticized, really evaluate or talk to a mental health professional about the relationship. Nobody deserves to feel less than anyone else especially in romantic relationships where we should feel fabulous and truly loved.
Abusers are invisible while the victim is constantly criticized. Abusers may not go to the gym, they may not shower, they may be disheveled, but they won’t comment or change their appearance, while they are constantly evaluating or criticizing their partner’s appearance. They live inside a highly fortified castle where they can see and can shoot at the victims but are never vulnerable or visible enough to be criticized.
Abusers are nice at first to hook the person and then withdraw that love and affection.
People generally fall in love with toxic people because they are “love bombed” at first where the abuser acts loving and caring and the trauma survivor relaxes and feels as though this person is the “one”. When that happens, the abuser withdraws all of what was given initially and starts to criticize, blame, gaslight, belittle, and control the victim. During a breakup, one of my patients talked about her partner having “snake eyes” rather than compassion at her sadness and grief. I would argue that childhood trauma survivors are more susceptible to being hooked by this pattern because they are so desperate for love that and they have learned to tolerate and normalize toxic behavior.
Finally, all people especially trauma survivors DESERVE to be yourself, to feel worthy of love, to grow and change, to be creative, to have fun, to enjoy regular sexual intimacy, and to feel stronger in your friendships and romantic relationships. If that is not the case, then reach out to a mental health professional to talk about the relationship and better understand what is happening and whether your relationship is abusive. Attachment Focused EMDR is one way among many modalities to work on the relational trauma and dismantle the abuse template that was installed through earlier relationship abuse.
