What Happened to Me? The Amnesiacs
The root of some people’s adult problems may lie in something they have forgotten in childhood. Our brain spares us what we can’t handle knowing. I have noticed that memory is about attachment. So, the child will forget their traumas especially when it is an adult who is an authority figure like a teacher, coach, or family member. A child cannot handle that a trusted adult is harming them. They may be dependent on the adult so their survival depends on forgetting. I have often noticed that when people feel safer as adults, then the childhood memories can be retrieved as a process of healing what happened to them.
I often have new patients coming into my office for EMDR therapy not knowing what caused their current symptoms. They may even have all the symptoms of PTSD including hypervigiliance, intrusive thoughts, avoidance of certain people or situations, difficulties with managing their emotions, poor self-esteem, and instability in relationships. They cannot pinpoint or tell me what the trauma is.
I am starting to think that there are lots of adults with PTSD who are amnesiacs. I want to help these people because they often suffer so much with self-blame and shame about why they always choose the wrong partner, why they can’t hold down a job, why they feel so disconnected. They may feel like an observer of their own life often watching friends fall in love, get married, have kids, but they don’t feel able to have that for themselves.
How do people start to heal from what they can’t remember? First, they can start to get connected to their bodies. This can be in the form of exercise, eating healthy, meditating, doing yoga, walking, and being curious about what is going on internally. Most trauma treatments rely on working with what is contained in the body.
You can start to become curious about your childhood and maybe it wasn’t your fault that you were disconnected or shy. Maybe something happened to you. Maybe up until 9 or 10 you were outgoing and then something happened that changed things. Maybe if your parents are still alive, you could ask them some questions about they noticed about you growing up or older siblings.
Third, you could start journalling and meditating on feelings and sensations that you have in your body. Being able to sit with difficult emotions and sensations with a sense of curiousity is one big achievement when you are used to disconnecting from your body.
A combination of trauma therapy, mindfulness, exercise, spiritual practices, self-help groups (Al-Anon, SLAA, and ACA), and journaling have all been extremely helpful as people begin to heal form what they can’t remember.
